Stop Making Young Children “Share” (It’s Not Developmentally Appropriate)

Picture this:

Two preschoolers. One beloved truck. One very determined peer. And an adult voice swoops in with the classic line: “You need to share.”

Before anyone clutches their “kindness matters” poster—hear me out.

This isn’t a post against generosity. It’s a post against forcing a very adult social expectation onto very young brains… and then acting surprised when it turns into grabbing, tears, and power struggles.

“Sharing” requires skills most young children are still building

When we tell a toddler or young preschooler to share, we’re often asking them to do all of this at once:

• Manage big feelings (ownership is a real thing to them)

• Understand another person’s perspective (“you want it too”)

• Hold a time concept (“you’ll get it back”)

• Inhibit impulses (aka: not scream/hold tighter/run away)

  
  

That’s a lot.

Even ZERO TO THREE notes that difficulty with sharing at this age is perfectly normal, and that the underlying skills tend to develop more solidly around 3.5–4 years old (not age 2 like many adults expect).

A science-based parenting review similarly points out that many children don’t develop the mental skills for true sharing until about 3.5–4, and recommends focusing on taking turns rather than forced “sharing.” yourparentingmojo.com

The real issue: we confuse “sharing” with obedience

When an adult says, “Give it to them. Share.” what a child often learns is:

• Adults decide what happens to my things

• If someone wants what I have, I might lose it

• I should protect my stuff (hello, hoarding)

  
  

Even Cleveland Clinic explicitly warns that forcing kids to share—especially before they’re ready—can do more harm than good. Cleveland Clinic

So what should we do instead?

What to teach instead of sharing

Here’s the reframe I want you to keep:

We don’t have to teach “share. ”We can teach: turn-taking, waiting, negotiating, and consent.

Those are the real lifelong skills.

What to encourage

• “You can have a turn when I’m done.”

• Asking for a turn (instead of grabbing)

• Waiting with support (visual timer, teacher nearby, a plan)

• Trading (“Do you want to offer a trade?”)

• Finding an alternative (“Let’s find a similar one.”)

• Protecting play without shame (“You’re not done yet. That’s okay.”)

  
  

What to stop expecting (especially ages 2–4)

• Immediate hand-over because someone asked

• “Sharing” on demand

• Calm, logical negotiation during peak emotion

  
  

That’s not a character flaw. That’s development.

When does sharing start to make more sense?

Sharing gets easier when children start valuing the relationship with the peer as much as the object.

That tends to grow alongside:

• more mature social play (cooperative play)

• more stable friendships

• a deeper understanding of reciprocity/fairness

  
  

Cooperative play becomes more common in the preschool-to-kindergarten window (often around 4–6), and friendship concepts shift gradually through early childhood and into the early school years. Pathways+2Lumen Learning+2

Many children become more consistently able to navigate sharing/turn-taking as peer relationships and cooperative play mature—often somewhere in the 5–7-ish range, with huge individual variation.

Practical tools for teachers: what to do in the classroom

1) Replace “share” with a turn-taking script

Try:

• To the child who has the toy: “You’re using it. You can keep using it. When you’re done, it will be ___’s turn.”

• To the child who wants it: “You can say: ‘Can I have a turn when you’re done?’ Let’s go ask.”

This preserves ownership and teaches the social skill.

2) Use a visual timer (non-negotiable tool)

A sand timer or visual timer turns “waiting” into something concrete. Kids don’t have to trust your words—they can see time.

Teacher language:

• “When the sand is done, it’s the next turn.”

• “Do you want a 2-minute turn or a 3-minute turn?” (choice = buy-in)

  
  

3) Create “one-at-a-time” center expectations

Some materials are naturally one-person tools (scoops, trucks, special sensory tools). Make it neutral:

• “This is a one-at-a-time tool.”

• “You can watch, wait with the timer, or choose something else while you wait.”

  
  

4) Prevent the most common sharing battles

• Put out multiples of high-demand items when possible

• Limit the number of children in a center

• Avoid “everyone gets the same thing at the same time” setups when scarcity is predictable

• For comfort items from home: consider a cubby rule (special things stay safe)

  
  

5) Teach a simple “conflict options” menu

Post pictures/icons that show:

• Wait

• Trade

• Take turns

• Find another

• Ask a teacher for help

  
  

Then coach them toward the menu instead of moralizing.

Practical tools for parents: what to do at home

1) Don’t bring “special” toys to playdates

If your child can’t bear to lose it for even 30 seconds, it’s not a good sharing-practice item yet.

2) Coach the words before the conflict

Practice at home:

• “Can I have a turn when you’re done?”

• “I’m still using it.”

• “Do you want to trade?”

  
  

3) Narrate like a sports commentator

This is GOLD for toddlers/preschoolers (and it’s recommended by early childhood resources):

“You’re holding the truck. He wants the truck. You’re not done yet. He’s feeling mad.” ZERO TO THREE

Calm narration slows the moment down enough for skills to show up.

4) Praise the attempt, not perfection

When your child gives a turn, trades, or waits (even poorly), name it:

• “You waited. That was hard.”

• “You used your words.”

• “You made a plan.”

  
  

Raising Children Network also emphasizes modeling and practicing turn-taking in daily life. Raising Children Network

Let kids be kids (and still raise kind humans)

Developmentally appropriate practice is about meeting children where they are—age, stage, and context—not where adults wish they were. NAEYC+1

So yes—teach kindness. Teach generosity. Teach community.

But with young children, the pathway usually looks like this:

Turn-taking → waiting → negotiating → empathy → voluntary sharing

Not “hand it over because I said so.”